Updated: Jun 11, 2021
This story begins at the beginning of my [adult version] health, fitness, wellness, wholeness, and unbeknownst to me at the time, my spiritual journey [spirit]. This story is preceded by the most enormous rupture of my entire life, the closest to death I’ve ever been, the most implosiveexplosive, the most vulnerable, and the most shattering. But that story, as well as it’s reverse radiance, is for another day. It’s not that story’s time here. Many of you know bits of that story. Many of you were there. For years. That story was the worst and the best thing I’ve ever experienced. But//and, the universe is a giant paradox.
I broke. Completely. Utterly. Identity: dead. Gone.
And then I begin to reassemble. Differently. Alchemically.
This story though, this story is a weave I’ve been attempting to write for years now. Pieces were missing. Pieces are still missing. But I can see that forest now. And it’s fucking good. My body is aching with clarity around this one. I can feeeeeel it. Soul bones, man.
And I attached to what I knew previously as a form of reason, a new identity, perhaps, new juice; FITNESS. WORKOUTS. NUTRITION, a voice of control, dare i say it now, on my new set of life eyes.
BUT. PROBLEMS: I HATED THE FITNESS WORLD. Uuuugh the ego. Projections abound. At first it was the gender stereotyping. The hyper masculine, blown out everything, all bros and no eloquence. The pink pink pink maybe purple dumbbells that max out at 8 lbs. The gawdawful soundtracks. The grabby, pulling, look at me, I’m not enough posts. Ugh. I didn’t fit in anywhere. But then again, I never did. I never compartmentalized into those cabinets, not in middle school, high school, or any academic boundary. I’m not convinced that anyone actually does fit there, if we’re widely honest, peeling back layers of ego and the stories we tell ourselves.
I stopped taking profess photos last October. Was I still making “progress”. Yes. But it switched. It was no longer about that. No longer about measuring and comparing (to myself and others) and definitely no longer “results” oriented. I wear the shift on my face. This one is wounded.
I fell deeper, deeper, higher into my self, my practice, my research, and the hotdamn fireworks with Courtney McNabb, another onion layer of the fitness culture peeled back, a more empathetic, and wildly festering, ancient, societal layer;
wounded energetics: jealousy, comparison, judgement, force force force, omg SHAME, control, obsessiveness, self righteousness. None of which are judgements any longer on my part. Simply reflections of cultural “truths”.
However, as my human, as a coach, I desire, I yearn, I ache, I’m led to heal. To guide, to lead back to self, back to body as home, and facilitate a reclamation of your reign, as your highest fucking humanity AND divinity. I don't know it all. I don't have it all. But I know love and that's what I can offer.
The ways that we approach health/fitness/wellness/insertyourownsynonym are in di-fucking-rect opposition to that of healing. They’re depriving and destroying and pushing us away from our divinity. We eat for an outcome. To lose, to gain, to bulk, to slim, to fast, to load, to sculpt, to look ____, to fill a void, to mask, to hide. We lift, run, sweat, burn, count, repeat. Progress photos?
Love or fear, babies. There is nothing else. All of the above is founded in fear.
What if, what it, what if……it wasn’t all for THEM? WHAT IF…it was for YOU? Because this vessel of a brilliant body of water that you’ve incarnated into is the truest home you’ve got.
...you know in your heart that maintaining and nourishing your own life force energy rather than outsourcing it lands true. Feel that in your body. Where does that pulse?
...you know (in your body) the connection with ______(fill in your own synonym blank, for me it’s the UNIVERSE🌟) is wholly present, everything is everything, andbut we smother him//her//it//them with our braining and our speed and our outsourcing.
...your body is the purest and only source of your LIFE. Body communicates everything. EV-ERY-THANGGGGGG.
...your body is the goddamn pinnacle to you. Right where you are. Not in two weeks or 6 months. Right now. Because you are perfect. Because there is NO QUESTION OF YOUR WORTHINESS.
...your love and reverence for your SELF is ALL THE WAY UP. TO ELEVEN. ♾✨
What if you moved your body out of love rather than fear? Love over hate?
What if you did this LIFE for YOU?
What would that FEEL like?
What does it feel like lounging with that notion now?
What does it feel like to continue life-ing for someone//thing else?
You get to chose you. Through and fuxking through.
And I’m a goddamn YES FOR IT.